Why Joyful Memories Can Be a Source of Emotional Pain ?

When Positive Memories Trigger Distress

Many people come to therapy asking the same question:
“Why does my brain only bring back negative thoughts?”

We tend to think in terms of positive and negative experiences. Yet, in clinical work, I often observe something more paradoxical: what hurts is not always what we expect.

When working around relationships and break-ups, what triggers emotional pain is not necessarily the conflicts, the arguments, or what caused the separation. These elements are often kept at a safe distance because they are too distressing. What remains accessible instead is often the positive material — joyful memories, moments of connection — detached from their context and isolated from the rest of the narrative. Paradoxically, these memories can then become the trigger.

Why Do Positive Memories Hurt After a Break-Up?

Example:

You think about the last trip you took together. In theory, this memory should make you feel good or happy. Yet it is followed by discomfort, sadness, or emotional disturbance.

This can feel confusing: “If the memory is positive, why does it hurt?”
The distress does not come from the memory itself, but from what it now carries — rupture, absence, and the meaning attached to what has been lost. The mind is not revisiting the moment to relive happiness, but to understand what no longer exists and why.

For a living system, not knowing what caused distress is unsettling. The mind will try to make sense of it.

How the Brain Stores Emotional Memories

Emotional memories are not stored chronologically. They are stored associatively. The mind and body link experiences they believe to be similar.

A present emotional disturbance can therefore connect to earlier experiences — for example, childhood moments where doing something “wrong” meant being left alone or emotionally disconnected. When faced with a relational rupture later in life, the mind often seeks quick coherence:

“There is something wrong with me.”
“I can’t keep relationships.”
“I always come second.”

Because the situation is complex, the mind looks for fast answers.

Avoidance strategies may then follow — avoiding dating, social gatherings, or certain places. Yet the emotional experience of the break-up itself remains unprocessed. Clinically, we often notice that what causes distress is not only the loss, but the idea that it was perfect before.

When the Imaginary Takes Over: “It Will Never Be the Same”

In my clinical work, I often notice that what causes the most distress is not only the loss itself, but a very specific thought that follows it: “It will never be the same.”

This is where the imaginary comes into play. The imaginary is the realm of images, comparisons, and ideals — how we picture our relationships, ourselves, and what happiness is supposed to look like. After a break-up or a loss, joyful memories are no longer simply memories. They become reference points. Images of how it was before start to dominate and quietly organise how the present is experienced.

The mind then compares everything to that image. What is lived now feels insufficient, flat, or empty — not necessarily because it is, but because it is measured against something that no longer exists. In this way, joyful memories can become painful. Not because they were wrong or misleading, but because they are used as fixed images rather than experiences that belonged to a specific moment in time.

The suffering often comes from this fixation: the idea that what was lived once defines what is possible forever. The thought “it will never be the same” freezes experience and leaves little room for something different to emerge.

EMDR Therapy and Unprocessed Emotional Experiences

In EMDR therapy, what matters is not whether an experience was objectively positive or negative, but how it has been experienced, stored, and integrated.

When an experience — even a joyful one — remains isolated from the rest of the emotional narrative, it can carry a high level of disturbance. In some situations, it is precisely these positive memories that we may work on in EMDR, not to erase them, but to reduce their emotional charge and allow integration.

From this perspective, emotional pain is often less about the event itself and more about information that remains frozen and unprocessed.

Making Sense of Repetition

A helpful metaphor is that of a video game. You rarely replay the levels you succeeded at. You replay the ones you failed — not for pleasure, but to try to solve them.

In break-ups, the mind often does something similar. It brings back joyful memories not to relive them, but to make sense of the loss. What causes suffering is often the meaning attributed to the break-up, rather than the break-up itself.

That meaning may sound like:
“I always mess things up.”
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why couldn’t I keep this relationship?”
“I will never find someone.”

These conclusions are rarely constructed in a few days. They are often shaped by much earlier experiences.

Restoring Movement and Integration

From this perspective, therapy is less about erasing memories — whether painful or joyful — and more about restoring movement, context, and integration within one’s emotional narrative.

When memories are no longer isolated, they lose their power to intrude and overwhelm. They become part of a broader, more flexible understanding of one’s experience.

Considering Therapy for Emotional Pain or Relationship Difficulties?

If you recognise yourself in this experience — recurring sadness linked to memories, difficulties after a break-up, or a sense of emotional repetition — therapy can offer a space to understand and work through what remains unintegrated.