Conflicts / relationships and the infamous “trauma bounding”

In psychoanalysis : the symptom isn’t simply a fault but it’s the way the subject’s system holds together; it’s what organises their system. It’s the ugly duct tape on a leak : seeing it disturbs you but tear it off before you get to understand it’s role, and you flood the house.”

Which brings us to today’s theme: partner-as-symptom. Seen through this lens, what we call “dysfunctional” in a relationship may be precisely what sustains it. your partner might often be your symptom, « your duct tape ». what most irritates you is tied to what draws you in.

Example: you’re meticulous; you like everything tidy. Surprised, you fall for someone delightfully chaotic. At first it’s charming; Move in together and, suddenly, you’re arguing about where things belong — while still oddly glued to each other.

How does this operate in a relationship? What do we unconsciously seek?

Individuals don’t enter love with what they have so much with what they lack. “To love is a wish to be loved” In that sense, each of us seeks to be loved for our leak — the bit the duct tape covers — rather than the functioning facade.

A simple (cliché) vignette : Let’s know see how that might operate in a relationship.

For an “X” reason, Person A is looking for a partner — a duct tape — with the following description: “someone who can provide for me.” In love-terms : “If my partner provides, they love me — then I feel loved.”

For a “Y” reason, Person B is looking for a partner — yes, their duct tape — with the following description: “someone to provide for.” Love-terms : “If I provide, my partner loves me — then I feel loved.”

Once upon a time — Fate, Tinder, Cupid, take your pick — Person A meets Person B. Match made.

It works as long as, A keeps asking and B keeps providing. The circuit runs; both feel loved.

Life happens, A or B are evolving; their symptoms start shifting - A wants to be more independent; B doesn’t want to define their worth through providing to others. then the squeaks, the leaks and the slips starts :

B : “Oh, you only love me because of what I have, not because of who I am.” “I’m a person, not a wallet with legs!”

A : “I don’t want an allowance; I want to feel held.” “You buy things so you don’t have to be here!”

then the relationship keeps leaking, evolves, finds another set-up, reinvents itself to keep going, or breaks. And what happens when it breaks? Well, if neither of the two knows the “X” or the “Y” reason we stated earlier, then guilt, anxiety and insecurities fill that void.

What we take from it ?

Here’s the strange beauty: even when relationships are difficult — or gloriously singular — they’re chances to learn about ourselves, our symptoms, our X’s (exes) and our Y’s (whys).

• This only confirms the truth of these phrases we often hear — «My other half», «My life», «My loved one». It’s less an attempt to possess the other (still illegal, by the way) and more a way of saying the partner mirrors and sets in motion parts of myself I don’t quite have a hold of.

I“I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did writing it — take it as a cheeky challenge to think differently, not a licence to start calling your partner ‘my symptom’ instead of ‘my love’.”